FEAR

To fear is not to hear

Open you ears and you will not fear

Close your ears and you’ll fear forever

Fear is tears which sets us free

Fear gives us strength so we hear more

Hear more and you will not fear

Wear your fear upon your tears

Year after year we see no tears

For we fear old dears who swear.

Spear the Deer and feel the fear

Fear has a place in life

With out fear we would not be hear.

Just Another Day

Another beautiful day the sun is beaming down on me, the skies deep blue

Biking through the open roads, the wind catching my hair, the sun on my face, suddenly a

Cat jumps out in front of me, startling me, losing control as I was too busy checking out the scenery

Dreaming and enjoying my freedom

Escaping hopefully with my life, as the truck avoids the cat

Falling deeply into the grass ditch

Galloping horse man spots me lying helpless in the grass ditch

Heart beat failing fast

In a split second, my eyes pop open

Just in the nick of time as he is

Kissing me back to life

Looking deep in to my eyes

Motionless with the shock of what has just happened

Not knowing why I am in this grassy ditch

Opening the top button of my jacket

Pulse starting to slow down

Quivering with the chill thats running through my body

Rushing to try and keep me warm

Slipping slowly away

Tears streaming down my face

Urging some one to understand what I am trying to say

Venturing back in to my abyss

Wondering if I will pull through as the

Xeric leaves my body

Yellow Daffodils smelling so sweet where my head lays, as I drift deeper in to a

Zzzzz ooze

The Ice-Cream Man

Where is that god dame taxi…I not use to ringing for taxis.

It should have been here 40 min ago.

Should I call another taxi, maybe I should.

My heart is pounding with fear & excitement.

My Jeans pockets are bulging with rolls of banks notes, must be at least fifteen hundred their.

I keep putting my hands in my pockets to check the money is still there, so scared of losing it.

I can’t lose it, it’s all I have to get started in life.

The rain is lashing against the window, this big hall-way seems so weird, so so big, our hallway at home is the size of a single bed. This hallway is the size of our whole house and more. It’s not a bright room, very drab and gloomy. Need to get out of here. Is that the taxi I hear?

As the taxi driver loads my bags in the car, rain lashing against us “where to love” why is it every one in the city calls me love, maybe they all love me as I look like a lost little soul.

I have to pick some one up on O'Connell Bridge “what part” oh my god is there different part to a bridge.

I am already late, I should have been there for five thirty, it now six fifteen, they may be gone.

I am feeling very scared not knowing what to do, or what might happen, or am I making the biggest mistake of my life, decisions decisions, my brain is hurting with all the thinking..

My heart is pounding faster & harder than the rain hitting against the windscreen.

Excitement & Fear all mixed up together. Should I or shunt't I go with him, should I stay, or should I see his face one last time.

Should I go back to the room I just left. I can’t go back, just can't walk back in to the room, I have already broken to many heart in that room tonight.

Their he is still waiting on the bridge,, “Excuse me sir” “Excuse me sir” “their he is, that who I picking up”. “There he is in his leather jacket” a lovely Tan leather jacket I bought him for Christmas and a sliver parker pen in his pocket that I bought him for his birthday earlier that year.

That was it, he had nothing else no bags, no toothbrush, no extra clothing with him, he brought nothing with him, and here I am with my suit case full of what, a few clothes and my teddy bears. Life is sad right now but I hope it just about to get better.

He doesn't know I found out his secret last night, and it was shocking.

I should do the right thing and walk away, but that easier said than done.

I am praying what I found isn't true, please god don't let it be true.

Sometimes we have to go with our hearts and not what our minds is telling us, and this time I am going with my heart.

As much as it hurts me I have to do what right for me. I could look back in a few months time and say Mmm maybe I should have listen to my mind that day.

I think I know him so well, how am I going to tell him I know his secret, or when is he going to tell me.

He has lied, lied for a whole 12 months to me, and I knew all long their was something their that wasn't falling right with him.

I never, never knew and if I had known back then things would be so very, very different for me.

But I know him now, or at least I think I know him, and not every man can pop out to get ice cream walk out on their family, and start a new life with a young fuzzy like me, maybe fuzzy is the wrong word for me, but that what I felt that day, now that I just found out he was married with kids

My heart breaks for his family, as they are waiting at home for the ice cream to go with the apple tart, not knowing that he is never going home.

But I am also full of fear and excitement with our new life beginning, and the lied it has all started on.

He done this for me and that says lots, even though he has lied for so long, and he still doesn't know I know his secret.

So the Ice cream man

left home that wet winters night to elope with me.

The Haunting of the Lawnmower

How many years has it been now a quarter of a century and the haunting of the lawnmower Why O Why does this send a shiver down my spine. It’s good that it still does.. Don’t get me wrong it not freaking me out but my god it sure bring back lots of memories

Green fresh cut grass, I can still smell it. If your out walking & smell the grass been cut it send a shiver through my spine and a smile on my face, of how the simple things in life smell so good.

Running down the stepping stones, between the freshly cut lawns daisies around our legs, to get sweets you just bought us, reaching up to try and get them but your so high up in the lorry, at four we can't reach you, and how many times did we trip up running to meet you at the end of the stepping stones. We both ended up with cuts on our forehead, but you always looked after us.. All these years later we still have the scars on our forehead, as I always said they are start of the Track Marks to my Soul.

I had a dream recently that you walk-in the door one day as weird as you knew nothing of the last twenty five years. Were where you? Who were you with? Why did you leave us? The questions are endless…But you sit their so quite looking around at space, your asking your self how you got here, it just a dream Daddy.

You still look the same, as the last time I saw you, my heart broke that day and I know I broke your heart that day too.” Please don’t go” you said, and I turned and walk away, my heart breaking in two, wanting to look back, but knew I could not, I did not want to see the tears in your eye as I walk our the door and out of your life, nineteen years you had look after me..

Daddy the last twenty five year has been amazing, I have had lots of good times, sad time, weird times, angry times, but I would not change any of the twenty five years since I last saw you...

I would change the night I left just so that I did not have to see your heart breaking on that cold dark wet winters evening. I never saw you again and that breaks my heart, but like you Daddy I hold back the tears.

Who would have ever thought that their was a exercise call the lawnmower, and as my client and myself pick up the weight and quickly pull it up like you would if you were starting a lawnmower hard through the movement, laughter in the air, smiles on our faces, and feeling the muscle deep in our back working, my heart has just broke once again, just for a split second, but you know the feeling only to well, love and heart break all mixed up together., if you look deep enough in to the back of my eyes you will see the sadness of the haunting of the lawnmower.

Most days while I going through my day I here this exercise being used and it brings me back to the 30^th September 1985 how things could have been so different if you had decided to do something different that day..

The bright sunny day just after lunch you wave Mammy of to work, Jessie barking in the grass at her ball, who would have ever though that this was the last time she see you laughing and joking.

As you quickly pull up starting the lawnmower, laughter in the air, a smile on your face Daddy who would have ever thought this day 30^th September 1985 was the end of your life.

The lawnmower took you from us that day Daddy.

R. I. P

X

Done it, so prove it.

Down the narrow lane again I trot, why is it I always feel as if I have something to prove. Once I get to in to the woods they are looking at me, I can’t see them but sense them around me their eyes are piercing in to me.

Where do I go left or right or straight trough the middle freak these beady eyes out & get them of guard, I never seem to get close enough to freak them out unless it dusk or dawn. But they sure keep me on my toes

I know they know all that goes on with me, they hear the entire story daily as I rant and rave and I am pretty sure that nothing at this stage will shock them…Some day soon I will get to sit and talk to these beady eyes and see the sadness deep in their dark eyes.

Don’t we all have a dark side to us? these beady eyes friends has to have a side dark deeper than mine can ever be…..So today I have done my miles and proved to the beady eyes that their is still life in this old gal…. Just maybe tomorrow I get up close and personal with my beady eye friends….Deer oh Deer